song playing: city of refuge by 4Him.

Jesus is waiting for you
In the City of Refuge

to save some of you from misery, i've changed my song, and removed autoplay. haha i know it gave some of you a fright when it suddenly came on.

these two days presented some sort of self-discovery, as i talked, heart to heart with my BFNNN (haha) and my PTL. some things i din understand about myself, how sometimes i can feel angry or sad and don't know why, and somehow through talking with them i came to terms with reasons for these emotions which seemed strange and frustrating at the same time. airheaded as it may sound, haha. it was a sense of loss. the roller coaster rides have finally ended. [oh gosh have i ever mentioned before how irritating my sister can get. she was just hovering over the computer to watch me type while bugging me to go clean the dining table when she who was supposed to clean the dishes left them all there which means i couldn't clean them just so she could rush to the bathroom and bathe before my dajie. my goodness. i cannot stand it man. and my ma's bugging me again. why is everyone stepping on my toes. i only have ten to spare for goodness sake!] ugh. moving on.

as much as i might say it, after these days of shopping, i realise i'm not much of a shopper. (although retail air is extremely refreshing, and an instant mood-lifter. i recommend vivo.) i'd rather be buried in a good book, or have nice chats with my close friends, or just sit quiet gazing at the sea or the horizon. i like how vast the sky is, its endlessness. i like watching people create art--draw, paint, play music, sing, dance etc--birthing something beautiful out of nothing. i like watching children be themselves; i like watching innocence in play.

gayle says we're not shortchanged in terms of blessing. how true. i fail to realise that God blesses us in different aspects, and these, sometimes we do not see. i'm blessed with friendships that are hard to find, in other areas which i have taken for granted. i finally saw things from a different perspective, about my mother. thanks, gayle, for letting me see. it's still going to be difficult, but i'll try, i really will.

i realise sometimes, we're afraid to live up to expectations. i know my mum wants me to return to piano playing, yet i'm afraid to go tinker on the keys again because of that. what am i scared of? her watchful ears? her possible criticisms? her nagging that i've let it go wasted (again)? is it pressure? perhaps. but now, i only play when she's not home. i feel more free to let myself go. true expression.

our perspective on things are always narrow. our thoughts, our judgements are framed by our own biases, whether conscious or not, whatever the extent. we may be questioning what we're going thru, where it will lead. but God's plan is perfect. we have to trust in that. we have to seek His perspective.

andddd. i really have to go. or my mum's gonna murder me.

God bless, all.